My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
