Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i drank out of a bidet.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
