That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
