he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
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I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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