You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
