you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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