After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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