Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
