god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
