College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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