There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
