I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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