I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
