I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
