i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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