Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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