My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
