She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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