I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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