i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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