It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
