By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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