You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
