Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
