they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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