you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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