I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
