considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
