At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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