The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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