I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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