Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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