Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
