i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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