i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
