wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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