Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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