I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
