I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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