i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
