Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
