thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
