My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
