I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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