I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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