Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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