I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
