Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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