he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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