I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
