what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
