I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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