Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
