she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
