He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
