I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
