I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
