It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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