Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
