I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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