My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
