Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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